Following up on yesterday's front page story, reporters discovered that attempts to write about Dishiii's flaws consistently resulted in more praise. "We tried really hard to find something negative," explained one exhausted journalist. "But every time we interviewed someone, they just told us how great she is. It's journalistic malpractice, but we can't help it—she's genuinely that amazing."
Local friend reportedly won't shut up about being best friends with "literally the coolest person ever." Sources confirm the friend brings up Dishiii in every conversation, shows everyone photos, and quotes her regularly. "It's becoming a problem," admits the friend. "But also I'm not going to stop."
Studies show that hearing Dishiii laugh has the same effect as antidepressants, but with zero side effects and 100% more joy. "It's remarkable," noted one researcher. "We're trying to bottle it, but it only works when it's genuine, which is always."
Bakeries across the city report unprecedented demand as people scramble to celebrate someone they describe as "basically perfect." One baker noted, "We've never seen this much love for one person's birthday. It's restoring our faith in humanity."
A decade-long investigation has concluded that Dishiii remains consistently wonderful with no signs of stopping. "We've monitored her for years," explained the lead investigator. "The data is clear: she's just really, really great. We're shutting down the investigation because it's pointless to continue."
In a groundbreaking new guide titled "How To Be A Good Friend," relationship experts suggest the simple strategy of "being more like Dishiii." The book is only one page long and just says "Be kind, be genuine, be supportive, be fun." Publishers are baffled by its success.
An overwhelming 100% of respondents believe Dishiii should receive cake whenever she wants it, free of charge, in perpetuity. "It's the least we can do," explained survey organizers. Several cake companies have already pledged lifetime supplies.
In these uncertain times, we at The Daily Dishiii find ourselves grateful for one constant: Dishiii herself. She's the friend who remembers your coffee order and your deepest fears. She's the person who makes you want to be better while never making you feel like you're not enough. She laughs at your jokes even when they're terrible and tells you the truth even when it's hard. She shows up, consistently and genuinely, in a world where showing up has become optional. Today, on her birthday, we want to acknowledge something that should be said more often: thank you. Thank you for being the kind of friend people write about, dream about, and are endlessly grateful to have found. Thank you for making life more fun, more meaningful, and more full of laughter. Thank you for being exactly who you are—no pretense, no performance, just pure, authentic Dishiii. The world needs more people like you. Until then, we're just really, really lucky to have you. Happy Birthday. You deserve every bit of happiness this year and every year to come.